Without Him
by empowerlucy
Summary: A one-shot of Lucy's whirlwind of emotions at Natsu's funeral.


So, I'm a literal baby and the most emotional person in the world so stuff like this makes me BAWL my eyes out and, I don't know, I just wanted to write something like those super angsty, emotional one-shots myself, y'know? Please review letting me know whether you like it or not because this is the first time I've put out writing in a very long time and some assurance that it's not trash would be fantastic. Anyways, I'll let you get on to reading it. I hope you enjoy!

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I sat in the front row, passing other guild members with sad smiles on their faces while talking quietly about him. Mira had begged me to say a few words, but I had politely refused. I didn't want to think about him any more than I already was. It already hurt too much and I wasn't sure if I could take any more of the loneliness and emptiness that thinking of him brought. Even though he always joked about me being weak, he had told me countless times about how strong he thought I was. But I wasn't strong. At least, not now I wasn't. Without him by my side, I felt weak and helpless, two things I hadn't felt in a very long time.

"He was the most determined asshole," Gray laughed shakily. Juvia stood at his side, rubbing his arm softly and crying up a storm. I tried to focus on the pitter patter of the rain splattering onto the rooftop, but my mind kept wandering back to him. My heart clenched thinking about how the seat next to me at the guild would always be empty now. How I wouldn't need to lock my window or keep a stash hot sauce and fish in my fridge. I bit my lip to hold in a sob, not wanting to bring any attention to myself. "I can't believe he's gone, but I know he wouldn't want us to mourn over him for too long. He wouldn't want us to blame ourselves either."

"Gray," I whispered, feeling his eyes on me as he spoke. He thanked everyone before stepping down and letting Juvia lead him back to their seats.

"Lucy, are you sure you don't want to say anything?" Mira asked, dabbing her tissue on the sides of her eyes to wipe away her tears.

"I can't," I told her, my voice cracking.

"You should," Erza said softly. "He's probably watching us right now. Don't you want to say goodbye to him?"

"No," I shook my head, sniffling. "I don't want to say goodbye to him at all."

"Lucy," Levy frowned, tears rolling down her cheeks. She reached out for my arm, but I pulled away.

"I can't say goodbye to him!" I said, speaking louder. "I can't think about how I won't ever see his goofy smile or feel his warm hands holding me when I'm sad. I can't think about how I'm surrounded by so many people who love me, but I still feel alone. None of you understand what I'm going through, so stop acting like you do!"

"Let her be," Lisanna whispers to Erza and Mira. "She needs to mourn his death the way she wants to in order to move on."

"Just continue the funeral," Erza said blankly, turning away from me. Mira nodded, shooting me the same look of concern everyone had been since that day. More people got up and talked about him but I couldn't get myself to listen to their rambles. All I did was close my eyes and pretend that he was sitting next to me. I tried to imagine his radiating warmth and his scent that just smelled like home, but it wasn't the same. I was used to the real thing. The real Natsu. But now, he wasn't here and I couldn't do anything about it.

A couple more people spoke before they took the casket outside and lowered it into the ground. I stood there, watching them bury him. All of our memories flashed through my mind and I kept thinking back to all his little scars and the way his hair flopped onto his forehead in the morning. I thought about how his ring finger on his right hand was bent from the one time he had broken it and I thought about the way his arms had always fit perfectly around me and how I'd never get to kiss his lips that I had yearned to kiss for years. I rubbed my eyes, trying to stop the steady flow of tears leaking out of my eyes. I kept thinking about the way he had just smiled at me in his last moments, letting me know he loved me and he didn't regret taking the hit for me. I thought about how I was too shocked to let him know how much I loved him too and how now, I'd never be able to tell him. I fisted the fabric of my shirt in my hands, trying to grab onto something that would bring me back to reality and far away from the thoughts about him.

I couldn't help but cry even more as I looked behind and noticed the immense amount of people that had come to commemorate him. Natsu had touched so many hearts, including mine, and I was sure he hadn't even known. He was always so selfless and brave, never thinking about himself in a fight but rather of how he would be letting his family down, how he would be letting me down, and continuing to fight even stronger than before. The fights he had fought were ones no one else could've. They're unforgettable. He's unforgettable.

As I turned to walk away I noticed Gajeel raise his hand, index finger pointing towards the sky. I placed my hand on my mouth, crying harder as I noticed more and more people mimic his movements. Soon, everyone there, human or not, members of Fairy Tail or not, had their hands up in the air. I felt Gray nudge me, motioning for me to put my hand up as well. Everyone there stared at me expectantly, sad smiles on their face. The ache in my heart stopped for just a moment while I looked at my hand and then to Gray. I imagined Natsu standing beside me with one arm draped over my shoulders and his other hand in the air, pride and happiness apparent in his features. I nodded before thrusting my hand into the air. There was a moment of silence, where I could feel the weight of our loss in the air before everyone erupted in cheers. I could see people crying and laughing and smiling as Erza enveloped me in a hug. I clutched onto everyone, feeling their tears on my shoulders and leaving mine on theirs. I didn't feel as lonely as I cried for him now, knowing that everyone else was crying for him as well. I knew that though he was gone, his memory wouldn't ever be and one day, his memory would be enough to keep me going. One day, after enough tears have been shed and enough pain has been felt, I would be able to smile once more and live my life the way he would've wanted me to. I knew that I had to live a life full of so much happiness and so many adventures, that it'd be enough for the two of us. I knew that someday, I'd be reunited with him and that for now, the thought of seeing him someday was enough.


End file.
